This is a little message to my girlfriend :)

Baby, from the moment I first saw you I was attracted to you, I messaged you online because I wanted to get to know you. You just have this look in your eyes that really got me curious about you I wanted to find out more about you and I just found myself having to talk to you. Then when we became friends and started getting closer I really realized that I was falling for you, OK we had that night up at the castle I knew I liked you then but the day before Belladrum when we kissed as you got out of the taxi I really knew then what feelings I really had for you. My heart was pounding and the grin on my face was rather embarrassing. I know things didn't go so well between us for a while after that but those feelings never faded they only got stronger the more we talked to each other, I remember the first night I stayed around your house I really did not know what to expect I wasn't really sure if I was even supposed to sleep in your room or somewhere else and you may not believe me but I was so nervous! I was already falling for you beyond just liking someone I knew that I was falling in love with you. So badly I wanted to kiss you that night but I just couldn't bring myself to really go for it because you were so important to me I didn't want to make things awkward between us. But then that second night the first time we properly kissed will be a night I just won't forget the way my heart felt as it pounded pretty much out of my chest from being so nervous to finally after all that time feeling like you were mine! I did fall in love with you at that very moment I just didn't want to say anything for a while just to be safe, Though trust me I almost did a few times.
I know things haven't been easy between us in this year we've almost been together, but we really are strong and I love you more than life itself. I cannot wait for the many more years we have together and just want you to know how much I really do love you! I wish I could show you how much, if I ever find a way one day I promise I will!

With so much Love
 Kyle.

P.S I really did want to send this to you on our anniversary, But I really just couldn't wait. Oopsie :)

Hopefully

I really hope i get a well paying job before Christmas  Not that i have that much time anyway considering by the time it would take to train me I'm probably going to not have any money for December at all, Which is shit because i really want to treat my girlfriend and family to something, And i have my girlfriends birthday and our 1 year anniversary coming up and I'm not going to be able to get her anything that really makes me look like a shit boyfriend. Maybe if i can land this other job with O'briens turbines or the Police i can borrow some money from someone and get all this done, I just wanted to be able to get everyone something speically siobhan most of all since birthday, anniversary and Christmas are all in the same month!

good and bad luck.

So I didn't get that job i was going for with Enercon due to the fact that it would be "inappropriate to hire me" because i do not have a Full UK drivers licence, Hrmph. What i don't understand is how an emplyer expects you to pay for a drivers licence when you don't have a job, Vicious cirlce huh?

Well on a good note siobhan was over for the weekend and it was lovely, I missed her so much cannot believe it's actually coming up on a whole year, She was my best friend for 2 years, and has been my life for nearly a year now! atleast something is going well!

I'll keep on hunting for a good job, Hopefully something comes up soon.

Worst experience of my life:

Okay so recently i stopped smoking marijuana because of many reasons, So i started looking for a Legal alternative. I came across something known as "M@ry Joy [Warning]" This was fairly interesting stuff at first.
And I had been smoking this for a few weeks now.


Ingredients including:
Althaea officinalis (marshmallow plant),
Verbascum thapsus (Great or Common Mullein),
Turnera diffusa (damiana),
Leonotis leonurus (Wild Dagga, Lions tail).

I had not done much research on this Drug (incense as it is sold as) before using it.

After a bad experience on a similar incense called 'Black mamba' which is mainly Tunera Diffusa (damiana plant) I knew not to smoke a lot. So i took the tiniest pinch (one of two puffs) and put it down, you get a similar effect to marijuana feeling numb and stoned, Happy effects and giggles and random thought processes   that really make you laugh. all was well.

Until it stopped working for me, so i took a bigger dosage and it was very extreme but nothing i couldn't handle. The night after I took another dosage about the same size if not a tiny part more. about a bowl size on a small bong.


There is effects such as: Visual blurriness, Extreme thinking / Over thinking, Ego-loss feeling like you are hollow and your skin is plastic, Loss of limb control over legs and arms, Extreme paranoia to cases of worrying about death, Feeling like jelly and shakes beyond control, Heart pumping very very fast, visualizing everything in Frames not smooth motion, Time going very slowly minutes become hours, Heart then starts to slow down But to the point of too slow and you start to freak out again.

I felt like i had fought for my life after smoking this dosage, I wasn't sure if I was just tripping balls or if my body was really reacting this way, Until i read about the Wild Dagga plant.

From wikipedia:

Toxicology

An animal study in rats indicated that in high doses, lion's tail has significant toxicological adverse effects on organs, red blood cells, white blood cells and other important bodily functions.
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So this plant really was messing with my bodily functions, And god knows that it does in conjunction with the 3 other plants in this blend. One of which Tunera Diffusa (damiana) is actually illegal in the USA.

 "Any combination of any of the parts, leaves, stems, stalks, seeds, materials, compounds, salts, derivatives, mixtures, preparations, or any resin extracted from any part of the plant is illegal to possess or distribute for human consumption in the state of Louisiana. This was due in part to an increase in the number of synthetic cannabis overdoses from a variety of chemically-infused plant material formulations, most of which contained Damiana as a primary ingredient."

I honestly have changed my mind about this drug.


I DO NOT RECOMMEND ANYONE SMOKE THIS BLEND.
I DO NOT THINK THIS SHOULD BE LEGAL.

dum de dum :)

Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool
And all shootin some b-ball outside of the school

Nah i kid. Just playing some skyrim taking some screenshots of my amazing graphics mod that makes it look cooler than crysis! 

and then ill call siobhan back soon :D Can't wait <3

A fresh start!

Okay from no on I want to be a nice person, And I want to make her feel like she is the most amazing girl in the world because she really is! As of now I am a different person.

From now on I am going to try my hardest to be the best boyfriend in the world! because she deserves that :)

Why?

I can't understand what is going on in my head. I left her again because i felt unhappy. But as soon as i think right i have done the right thing. I realize i still fucking love her and i hate myself for it. because now if i say anything about it it'll just look like I'm fucking her feelings about. there's something wrong with me. I wish i could un do all this and just be happy with her from the beginning.

What would it take for a fresh start?

Mission!

I cycled  a mile home, in pitch black, Pissed as a drunk rat & mashed on my medication... well that sobered me up ahaaha. was a mission and a half to see where i was going though!

Ooooh i got an interview!

I got a job interview which i will get :) Rather confident! But that will keep me going until i either get a job with the police or Enercon! So either way things are looking a lot better now :D

My baby :)

I honestly love her more than life it'self! She is so beautiful :) 

I really don't know what I'd do if this girl never came into my life, Ever since i met her 3 years ago even before we got together I was crazy about her, and always used to look over to her and smile and she'd smile back at me. then we became the bestest friends and liked each other for way over a year and just didn't really tell each other, Stuff happened when we were drunk but we never realized we liked each other that way for a long time! Then just one day after a few drunken truths came out we decided to see each other and i stayed at hers and we had the most amazing time! Then we got together and honestly i would say that is the best day of my life, she really completes me. If i ever lost this girl i would just never replace that empty feeling that would be left behind. I wish i could be good enough for her.

Men don't cry.

I swear to god nothing ever upsets me, and nothing ever scares me. But as soon as there is a problem with me and my girlfriend I just fucking tear up like a little baby... I thought she was honestly going to leave me for good earlier and i just cried like a little girl.

What the fuck.

Idea!

I actually have a good idea for a website that has potential to make cash, unfortunately I'm not even sure it is legal... I'll post more about it when i have the plan set ;]

When life gives you the finger...

Get addicted to online poker, now i understand why people get gambling issues I'm hooked! But I'm winning thus far and you cannot say it's a bad habit if it is actually earning me some cash ;]

Fuck sake.

It's just never ending problems, nothing ever can just go well for long in my life it seems. I hope to god i get one of the jobs I've applied for because nothing else is good right now, Even my girlfriend seems unhappy with me and it kills me to think she isn't. Just wish everything could all be good for once.

One day I'll get to write some nice stuff here...

Busy busy bee!

Had a right bloody busy day today! First fixing my garage because the wind decided it wanted to destroy the door, Then fitting new parts to my motorbike because every time I fix one thing another thing breaks! And sorting out every ones bloody computers...

Got my Linux distro ubuntu 12.4 working nicely, After trial and error many times.
Set up a virtual box for Windows 8 to give it a go and it's alight I guess, It'll be a long time before upgrading my Windows 7 64-bit professional partition though...
Now my mum wants Windows 8 on her PC in the living room, since she's been on that buggy Dev preview for about 8 months, So hopefully I can get the activation cracked or she'll moan at me like usual :')

I won't even get started on what i actually planned for today... Maybe fit some gaming in tonight... Maybe.

Got a job offer!

But unfortunately it's to far away to travel to from home, and not far away enough to get digs and stay near the place. So I guess I'll just have to keep looking and keep applying! I must have applied for well over 8 jobs today, if I do not get at least an interview out of one of them I'm resorting to being a prostitute.

I'm trying to find a job

But it isn't go so very well, Almost a year now since I last worked. Such a long time ago! I hate not working it's just boring. Hopefully soon though I'll have something going, even if it isn't permanent I can get some money in the pockets and maybe get my drivers licence. Got a chance of a career with a company called Enercon but I can't get my hopes up about that just yet, I haven't even been given an interview!

A new start

This is something that I have wanted to do for quite some time now. The purpose of my blog is not to be noticed or even become popular but rather a form of just telling you things about me. And maybe you will find them interesting or even inspiring, or maybe you will think I am a complete idiot and you just like to laugh at me and my terrible English skills.

I thought I'd start this today of all days because this is a happy day for me. I have been going through a little rough patch and have some problems with my mental health. I have yet to go to the Dr's about my problems but from research done by myself I think I am Bi-polar. This has caused me a lot of problems with my relationship with a girl I very much love! She has been my best friend for over two years and knows me better than anyone in the world, I doubt anyone else could ever care for me as much as she does.
The problems started because I was unable to control my own emotions, I started doubting myself and my own feelings and she saw straight through me. I put her through a lot of pain worrying her and I didn't even realise it, I'll never forgive myself. and after 9 months of us having an amazing relationship together it crashed and I ended it thinking this is what I wanted. But it wasn't I soon realised this after a few days of trying to clear my head and get over the situation, Only to find I really still love her and can't bare to not be with her, We spoke on the phone last night and had the most amazing conversation with no fights or winding each other up, we just got along like we did before. I did a lot of thinking today and really realised how much I missed her I could feel the hole in me growing larger and I was feeling more empty by the day, She was apart of my life now and that was not something I could just run from. So I suggested to her on the phone that we should try and work things out, be together again but keep it quiet she was very much ok with this. And now I'm starting to feel so much better knowing that I have her back, I'm still not better I have to still go see the Dr and try and sort my life out, but that is something I cannot do without her in it. She is the centre stone of my life, without her it all comes crumbling down...

So now all I can hope is things get better, but they won't just do that on their own. I'm willing to do whatever it takes.