This is a little message to my girlfriend :)

Baby, from the moment I first saw you I was attracted to you, I messaged you online because I wanted to get to know you. You just have this look in your eyes that really got me curious about you I wanted to find out more about you and I just found myself having to talk to you. Then when we became friends and started getting closer I really realized that I was falling for you, OK we had that night up at the castle I knew I liked you then but the day before Belladrum when we kissed as you got out of the taxi I really knew then what feelings I really had for you. My heart was pounding and the grin on my face was rather embarrassing. I know things didn't go so well between us for a while after that but those feelings never faded they only got stronger the more we talked to each other, I remember the first night I stayed around your house I really did not know what to expect I wasn't really sure if I was even supposed to sleep in your room or somewhere else and you may not believe me but I was so nervous! I was already falling for you beyond just liking someone I knew that I was falling in love with you. So badly I wanted to kiss you that night but I just couldn't bring myself to really go for it because you were so important to me I didn't want to make things awkward between us. But then that second night the first time we properly kissed will be a night I just won't forget the way my heart felt as it pounded pretty much out of my chest from being so nervous to finally after all that time feeling like you were mine! I did fall in love with you at that very moment I just didn't want to say anything for a while just to be safe, Though trust me I almost did a few times.
I know things haven't been easy between us in this year we've almost been together, but we really are strong and I love you more than life itself. I cannot wait for the many more years we have together and just want you to know how much I really do love you! I wish I could show you how much, if I ever find a way one day I promise I will!

With so much Love
 Kyle.

P.S I really did want to send this to you on our anniversary, But I really just couldn't wait. Oopsie :)

Hopefully

I really hope i get a well paying job before Christmas  Not that i have that much time anyway considering by the time it would take to train me I'm probably going to not have any money for December at all, Which is shit because i really want to treat my girlfriend and family to something, And i have my girlfriends birthday and our 1 year anniversary coming up and I'm not going to be able to get her anything that really makes me look like a shit boyfriend. Maybe if i can land this other job with O'briens turbines or the Police i can borrow some money from someone and get all this done, I just wanted to be able to get everyone something speically siobhan most of all since birthday, anniversary and Christmas are all in the same month!

good and bad luck.

So I didn't get that job i was going for with Enercon due to the fact that it would be "inappropriate to hire me" because i do not have a Full UK drivers licence, Hrmph. What i don't understand is how an emplyer expects you to pay for a drivers licence when you don't have a job, Vicious cirlce huh?

Well on a good note siobhan was over for the weekend and it was lovely, I missed her so much cannot believe it's actually coming up on a whole year, She was my best friend for 2 years, and has been my life for nearly a year now! atleast something is going well!

I'll keep on hunting for a good job, Hopefully something comes up soon.

Worst experience of my life:

Okay so recently i stopped smoking marijuana because of many reasons, So i started looking for a Legal alternative. I came across something known as "M@ry Joy [Warning]" This was fairly interesting stuff at first.
And I had been smoking this for a few weeks now.


Ingredients including:
Althaea officinalis (marshmallow plant),
Verbascum thapsus (Great or Common Mullein),
Turnera diffusa (damiana),
Leonotis leonurus (Wild Dagga, Lions tail).

I had not done much research on this Drug (incense as it is sold as) before using it.

After a bad experience on a similar incense called 'Black mamba' which is mainly Tunera Diffusa (damiana plant) I knew not to smoke a lot. So i took the tiniest pinch (one of two puffs) and put it down, you get a similar effect to marijuana feeling numb and stoned, Happy effects and giggles and random thought processes   that really make you laugh. all was well.

Until it stopped working for me, so i took a bigger dosage and it was very extreme but nothing i couldn't handle. The night after I took another dosage about the same size if not a tiny part more. about a bowl size on a small bong.


There is effects such as: Visual blurriness, Extreme thinking / Over thinking, Ego-loss feeling like you are hollow and your skin is plastic, Loss of limb control over legs and arms, Extreme paranoia to cases of worrying about death, Feeling like jelly and shakes beyond control, Heart pumping very very fast, visualizing everything in Frames not smooth motion, Time going very slowly minutes become hours, Heart then starts to slow down But to the point of too slow and you start to freak out again.

I felt like i had fought for my life after smoking this dosage, I wasn't sure if I was just tripping balls or if my body was really reacting this way, Until i read about the Wild Dagga plant.

From wikipedia:

Toxicology

An animal study in rats indicated that in high doses, lion's tail has significant toxicological adverse effects on organs, red blood cells, white blood cells and other important bodily functions.
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So this plant really was messing with my bodily functions, And god knows that it does in conjunction with the 3 other plants in this blend. One of which Tunera Diffusa (damiana) is actually illegal in the USA.

 "Any combination of any of the parts, leaves, stems, stalks, seeds, materials, compounds, salts, derivatives, mixtures, preparations, or any resin extracted from any part of the plant is illegal to possess or distribute for human consumption in the state of Louisiana. This was due in part to an increase in the number of synthetic cannabis overdoses from a variety of chemically-infused plant material formulations, most of which contained Damiana as a primary ingredient."

I honestly have changed my mind about this drug.


I DO NOT RECOMMEND ANYONE SMOKE THIS BLEND.
I DO NOT THINK THIS SHOULD BE LEGAL.

dum de dum :)

Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool
And all shootin some b-ball outside of the school

Nah i kid. Just playing some skyrim taking some screenshots of my amazing graphics mod that makes it look cooler than crysis! 

and then ill call siobhan back soon :D Can't wait <3

A fresh start!

Okay from no on I want to be a nice person, And I want to make her feel like she is the most amazing girl in the world because she really is! As of now I am a different person.

From now on I am going to try my hardest to be the best boyfriend in the world! because she deserves that :)

Why?

I can't understand what is going on in my head. I left her again because i felt unhappy. But as soon as i think right i have done the right thing. I realize i still fucking love her and i hate myself for it. because now if i say anything about it it'll just look like I'm fucking her feelings about. there's something wrong with me. I wish i could un do all this and just be happy with her from the beginning.

What would it take for a fresh start?